I’m going to set these feelings free.

I'm going to set these feelings free

December 19, 2017

So this me, writing again with the thoughts of how I could possibly get rid of all these feelings I have for someone I am infatuated with. 

It was that one sunny afternoon, you had your COMPA ANA class at the hallway where my feelings eventually flourished (well it’s actually way back before but I shoved those feelings away not until now). 

You were that “Perfect, Nice Guy” every girl is dreaming about. Your hair is black, your eyes, deep and dark and every time you smile, the world’s just seem to be bright and colorful. You always bring your bag with you, Jansport with a touch of white and blue. You love sneakers and denims, and oh you got braces too.

So much for physical description, you also have the inner qualities every girl’s daydreaming about. You love dogs, you even have two - lily and surfer, those two you always mention to me every time we talk and how they loved the treats I gave them. You’re God-fearing, gentleman, and such a nice guy. No wonder you have so many admirers. You were that popular to most girls.

Did it even occurred to you how amazing you are? How perfect and how cool you are? How you can easily make a girl’s heart flutter whenever you just smile at them? I guess you really had no idea how beautiful you are. You had beautiful eyes, the kind that you could get lost in, and I guess I did.

We had countless conversations every night when I got home from school, I always check my messenger to see if you dropped something on my chatbox or even a simple “Hi” but later I found out you were anonymously asking me in my ASK.FM account, well it took long for me to process how your feelings went well and how my feelings went well for you. We got these endless conversations talking about anything and I loved how comfortable it was talking to you, how I could just easily share with you how my day went well and how I’m bothered with our exams and etc. Talking to you just makes my day complete, wishing those moments won’t have to end. 

It makes my heart even happier when we talk in the hallways, sending smiles to each other, simple hi-fives and simple glancing. Things like, “you caught me staring and I caught you staring back”. I was just so happy that entire time, it was something I could not forget - the feelings that I had for you, I would cherish it for the rest of my life. It was a little crush that grew into something more - something magical.

You were the best part of my day, and you never even knew. I just wanted to be the best part of yours too. But I know it’s never going to happen, guess you’re right then, the mutual urge for comrades is still on blaze. You told me everything you felt for me and told you everything I felt for you. My feelings were so obvious back then & sometimes, you make me feel like I actually have a chance with you but when I try to take that chance, you make me realize, I never really did.   So the thing here is, our feelings were mutual but somehow confusing so you  draw the line between us. Direct and clear. 

So what I did was........ set these feelings free.

I admit I was hurt that time, my heart’s been really gloomy and cold. I couldn't even barely go to school because I’m afraid I would be seeing you in the hallways and I don’t know how to react anymore. Should I smile because we’re friends or should I cry because that’s all we’ll ever be?

Nothing’s certain for sure, all I know is how this process of healing and moving on would gave us the freedom and the happiness we deserve.

You were right and I couldn't argue with you. In fact I admire you for your bravery, not all guys could do something like that and I thank you for bringing up those things, it’s maturity after all. It’s you depending on God’s will - His good and perfect will.

That’s just the thing about infatuation right? You always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. I’m deeply sorry I fell hard for you. & even after all that had happened please know that you will always have a soft spot in my heart.

So thank you, thank you for giving me a plot twist before I end my 2017. Guess 2017 is definitely the year full of moving on and letting go. Thank you for all the lessons-learned, I’ll definitely learn from all of it and I’ll be looking forward the next year, hoping it would be the year full of adventures and not heartaches anymore. I am grateful enough because I’ve learned to never awaken feelings not meant for me and how I learned the art of letting go. Thank you because even for a short time, I was able to experience those feelings, the kind that you would feel butterflies in your stomach whenever you see/talk to someone special. Thank you for everything.

For now, I’m going to set these feelings free.

Aurevoir,

ZY