To the One who Has My Heart

To the One Who Has My Heart, thank you for coming into my life. 2018 was by far one of the most bittersweet years I have. Broke up with my 5year long time relationship in exchange for his friends. He chose to give up on me despite the many years we had together. You thought that certain person would be your own definition of forever, but somehow, life has its way of separating beings regardless of how they've managed to be together for quite so long. Life really is ironic, isn't it? 

But then here you are, you came by,

in the most unexpected time.

in the most unexpected place.

We started out as friends, well the casual type of friends who got intertwined because of the many mutual friends we have. I could still remember the 1st time I saw you, it was on that night I invited you to be one of the judges in the event I was tasked to organize being the Head of the Cultural Arts and Events. I never even have the slightest feeling for you that time, but my soul, just went like, "Oh there you are" and then you smiled. I was just so thankful you saved me from the embarrassment I was supposed to face when our Governor found out I lacked one of the judges for my events. Thanks to my CUA-Family who got my back that time, Eli, Gelu & Kyung. You guys are the best!!

After a week, news came up to me, something, a woman like me wouldn't want to be involved with so I distanced myself from you.

Weeks have passed, now I caught myself texting you again, maybe because it was that shirt you promised me, or maybe, just maybe, it's because there's something more, something deep.

We went to the beach, I saw how empty you are and I just couldn't help but feel so fragile and vulnerable because I also had my heart broken from this guy I am inlove with for 5 years. 

Somewhere, in the place unknown, we felt the ocean breeze touching our faces and the sound of the waves crashing. The stars were shining brightly, and I loved how the moon illuminates the entire place. You and I, sitting in the sand with beers in our hands, talking about random stuffs, how we managed to escape the toxic life of the city and how we laughed at our silly jokes, so I’m beginning to think, was this all real or was this all in my head? Because if it’s real, how I wish this moment would never have to end.

Now here's the best part, you introduced yourself to me, you told me "a person like me deserves to be known in a place like this" and that got me…...weak.

You talked about your life, your experiences and what made you so strong to have come this far. For a person like me, I never expected you'll share your life story in that instant, you see? I didn't know what you found in me that you got so comfortable of, but that didn’t matter anymore, because I was so caught up with you.  

You were a soul person, just like me.

I can tell from the way you look, how you handle things and how you analyze situations & ideas. I am a paradox, a hopeless romantic and an old soul trap in this millennial body and you were an artist who paints, who transforms your feelings into art. You had been so fearless all your life fighting your demons and fighting your problems single-handedly without asking help from anybody. You've learned from your mistakes in the past which you cannot undo yet brave enough to face and fix it, eyes wide open. 

The familiarity, the similarities..

the rawness of the emotion,

the level of deepness we shared..

It was like I saw myself in you, a reflection of me, I never thought would exist.

And you… you understand me.

Not the one who understands the shallow parts of me but the deepness I possess - the inner me.

I don't know but I just couldn't trust a person like that easily, I've learned the hard way, that I should never trust someone again. Because Love? is just a stupid idea made by stupid people, because I know somewhere deep in my soul .....Love never lasts. 

Months have passed, we went out with our friends, hanging along, they were all super fun & good memories and slowly, in time, I felt the spark between us, growing, lighting like a firecracker, electrifying every single cells in our body, from our skin down to our bones. You should know that your magnetic field is a little too strong... it attracts the repulsive parts of me. 

and I, I continue to study you.

You didn't noticed that I bet, because I am so good at faking my emotions, even faking my actions, just to hide the reality that I am beginning to be fascinated by you.

But then again, when the day was soon to end and I'm alone in my room, thoughts were flooding and my heart was telling me that I should keep my walls up high, even higher because I just couldn't put my heart at risk...again.

In the darkened room, I closed my eyes and prayed to God earnestly that if He will going to give someone like you to me, and if this someone is worth all the risks, then I have to find and heal myself first before the situation complicates because I cannot afford hurting another person. So I cried myself to sleep, till it hurts no more.

You may wonder what it felt like dating a broken girl with trust issues.

Could you lengthen your patience? Could you be more understanding till she heals?

Only God and time will tell. 

August, September, October you confessed your feelings and you asked for my permission if it's okay to court me. Without any hesitation, I said "YES". I was shocked with myself that time, how could I utter those words so easily? Is this a new chapter I am sensing? Well maybe it's just me, turning the pages but not closing the book.

I guess that's just how life goes, isn't it? We moved on from all the hurts and the pains from our past, we forgive, forget, grow, evolve and try to see light once more from the people who try to knock at our door. 

WE HEAL. 

It was one of the most magical moments in my life, believe me it’s true. From all the surprises, photographs, balloons, unplanned travels, goodmorning/goodnight texts, simple Hellos, cakes, flowers, candlelight dinner dates, coffee dates, visiting art exhibits, going on a date in the Hilltop, down to walking me home in the Twin Road hihi ^^.. You did all these, even if I haven't given you my response yet, and that I adore you. I don’t like to say it this way because it may sound so cliché, but I couldn’t deny that I’m falling in love with you.

It absolutely is the little things in life that play a huge part in our lives. So I opened up my heart again, even if it still has scars and stitches from the past, I handed you the key.

We went on dating in private for almost a year; I'd like to stay that way. You, Me, Us in a low-key relationship.

2018 was almost over, so I decided to give it a try and ask permission from my parents, siblings even my relatives. Trusting the magic of New Beginnings.

We made our relationship official last December 15. I am just super thankful to everyone who were there during our highs and lows, to the friends we've made and to the people who got our backs. Thank you guys, you are all amazing. SML. 

Today is your birthday and I just couldn't fathom how time flies so fast. I just want you to know, how Blessed and Happy I am for meeting someone like you, and to have you as my boyfriend, was surreal & wonderful. You are a blessing from Above. My own definition of knight in shining jeans and Tshirt. I felt that Life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything that has happened has its own reason and if these didn’t occur, I could have not met you after all. It was a rollercoaster ride, we faced a lot of trials, fights, arguments & battles but know that I had the best time of my life, fighting dragons with you. 

To this amazing guy, my soul person, my best friend, my one true artist, my favorite human, the cheeziest one. 

Thank you for taking care of me and for always putting up with my attitude. Thank you for giving me warm hugs during melancholic times. I know I've been a headache to you, but you never gave up on me and please don't ever change.

You were always this cool, mysterious, moreno guy who happened to be blessed with long hair, beautiful eyes & brows not to mention your thick lashes I am envious of. You are so gorgeous; I can't say anything to your face. You’re fond of making faces to which I find hilarious but also is the reason why I laugh so hard, my stomach hurts, and I appreciate every corny jokes you talk about just to make me smile every time I had a bad day. You like to paint & creative enough to design shirts and costumes. I could say, you are one of the most talented guys I’ve ever met. You love to scoot, in fact you even have one, it’s your sport and it’s your escape and I have no problem with that because you know for a fact that I have always been supportive in everything you love and are passionate about. Despite and in spite everything, thank you mylove, and happy happy birthday, 

I love you my rock bottom. 

All the love,

Zy

What a Journey!

This will be quite lengthy.

College life has never been easy, no one has ever told me it’s going to be easy. I went to 2 universities, first in MSU-Naawan where I took Marine Bio and later on I transferred to MSU-IIT to pursue my pre-med course. BS-BIO (GEN BIO).  College taught me that Education isn’t a gun held to your head, it’s a weapon in your hands and it’s one thing that can never be taken away from you.

Life there in the city, in a new school, in a big university was arduous. It took me a year to finally be able to embrace the adjustments , met a lot of friends, people you never thought would mean so much to you, and friends who became family. I’ve experienced things that inspired me and the things that I never quite come to terms with. Some people would discredit and underestimate you, people who would try to bring you down, people who are toxic, people who give you pain and heartbreak (if you know what I mean) and those people who are negative and energy-draining person who are wired for negativity. Know that they exist for a purpose and it is to test your character, patience and motivate you to strive  harder to become the person you are meant to be.

A year ago, you did not know today. 

You did not know how you’d make it here. 

But you made it here.

 By God’s grace, you made it here

That’s when you shift your focus and appreciate those people who put great impacts in your life.

This time, I’m taking this moment to thank everyone who has been part of my journey.

First and Foremost, to my Personal Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ whom I consider my bestfriend – the one who gave me wisdom, guidance and strength and protection all throughout the days of my life. All glory and Honor was and is for Him.

To my ever-supportive, beloved family whom I consider as one of my source of strength, my prayer warriors Mama Aida, Papa Odong, Ate Mic2x, Ate Quing, Kua Ang, Kua Jhovy, Kua Yang, Ate Karen, Justin, Daeham and Kyle, to the rest of my relatives specially to my Aunts, Auntie Liza and Te Rosie for their love, patience, kindness and understanding, spiritual, moral and financial support. I love you all very much and this success is all for you.

To my thesis adviser and one of the most amazing professors I know Dr. Sharon Rose Tabugo-Rico, thank you maam for your guidance, encouragement and patience to us Team Fractals and the rest of the Sharon Babies. To Sir Macoy, I could never forget you sir, thank you for taking care of me during my 1st days in IIT  & to the rest of my Profs in IIT, who motivated me and inspired to do my best in everything that I do. Thank you all so much maams & sirs. 

To the “Team Shiftee” my squad and my family who welcomed me with open arms despite being a transferee, to Kharl, Jay, Ken, Pearl, Rick, Ate Zyra, Kem and Kuya Larry, for always being there in laughter and in tears, through crest and troughs. For all the fun and exciting moments we shared during college life, you guys remind me that family is not always by blood. It’s the people who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are and the ones who love you no matter what. Please do remember that you will always be a part of me I will never forget.

To the rest of the Bio People, My MB girls – Loucelle, Jeanie, Reres, Jc and Beth, “HS Squad”  “CSM-EC Co-Officers”, “CUACOM Friends” “Psalm Family”, the “Block61”, the “Pashnea Pips” Grey, Jez, Earth and to the rest of my friends and classmates, who have been part of the my college life, thank you for bringing colors, fun and adventure during my stay in  IIT. I will always thank the Lord for your lives, those memories we’ve shared will be treasured forever.

To my “Omohd Starrock Team” Ate Winky, Jethro and Kua Archi who have been my buddy in silliness together, the people who never stopped believing in me and the ones who taught me how to value time and friendship. Those ephemeral moments we’ve shared makes my college life all the more complete. Thank you so much Omoooohd!!!!

To my roommate, my photographer, my human diary and my best friend Geng JJ, you are my hope in this changing world. Even when I felt like the rest of the world had walked out, you stayed and you never left. Thank you for always being there when I need you most, I couldn’t imagine life without you. Please never change. To Ate Verce for the encouragement, kindness, love and support, for taking care and looking after me while I get stressed out from all the sleepless nights. I love you both so much.

And lastly, to myself.

Hey, remember the times you thought you couldn’t make it? The times you thought your world was about to end and all hope were lost? Remember all those sleepless nights and the 2month straight bilar from working in your thesis joined with studying ur endless quizzes and exams? And the times you tell yourself, you’re finally giving up?

Now here you are and you made it!

Though the road is lined with uncertainty, but you have took it step by step, you’ve given so much and you have worked so hard and fought so hard to so many things just to make it here. You’ve taken the leap and you have waited and not go into shortcuts, for though you were tired from the storms in life and such, you know that the God you worship and the one who gave you all these things will never leave you nor forsake you. Because, He’s the Supreme God and He knows all the plans he Has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “Jer.29:11”

I couldn’t be more proud of you self. Keep Believing and Never stop chasing your dreams.

ZY DADOLE PERPETUA

CUM LAUDE

Bachelor of Science in Biology Major in General Biology

Chairman of Culture and Arts

College Service Awardee

College of Science and Mathematics, MSU-IIT

2015-8334 now signing off!

To The Person Who Didn't Choose Me...

I wasn’t the one for you, and at first it hurt. But I’ve come to terms with the fact the stars weren’t aligned for us, and that’s OK. It took me a while to get to this point of content and there are things I want you to know:

I realize I wanted things I couldn’t have.

I wanted late mornings and nights in your embrace, I wanted to go on drives with you, and to laugh with you because I love seeing you smile. I wanted to give myself to you, to tell you how guarded I am and then let you in because I wanted you to be able to see a part of me that no one else does. I wanted to know more about your childhood and how you grew up to be who you are. I wanted to know your goals and aspirations, your personal heroes, and most importantly, I wanted to be yours. I wanted it so badly, but you didn’t choose me.

You missed out.

I could have given you everything and more. You didn’t even give me a chance, which if you did you would find I hate the feeling of velvet and that I’m the most claustrophobic person in the world. I publicly embarrass myself on the regular. I love to sing in the shower, I would dance with you in a torrential downpour because I'm a hopeless romantic, and that I have the ability to eat a pint of mint chocolate chip ice-cream without shame. I am who I am--no excuses, and I know you appreciate real people. If I learned anything about you… I did learn that. You would never have to question my loyalty to you, but I guess now you never will.

But, most importantly:

Thank you for not choosing me

I never thought I’d say these words, but thank you for breaking my heart and not choosing me. I realize that, because of you not choosing me, it’s going to be amazing when I’m someone else’s first choice.

One day, someone is going to feel for me the way I felt for you and you’ll be nothing more than a distant memory.

Thank you for coming into my life and making me realize that I am as strong and independent as I hoped I could be. For that, you taught me to choose myself, and I’ll continue to do that until someone comes around and makes me realize why it didn’t work out with you.

All this time I asked myself “what is wrong with me?” and “what does she have that I don’t?” and I realized that it has nothing to do with that. I wasn’t what you wanted, and that’s fine. You made me realize that I am going to be the perfect fit for someone else, and that someone is going to come along and choose me without thinking twice.

And just so you know, I didn’t necessarily choose you either — my heart did.

- z 💓

(c) Disclaimer 

Mixed Signals

You know what mixed signals are: one moment, he's caring and warm with you, and you get excited, thinking you're getting somewhere with him. The next moment, he's cool and aloof - and you're really not sure what happened.

Then, out of nowhere - BAM! You're back getting warm, caring behavior from him.

So does that mean he likes me, or does that mean he doesn't?

I don't know exactly know the answer to that for now, a lot of questions have been bugging my head lately and in fact I've asked few of my closest trusted girlfriends to assess the current situation that I am in. They all have different readings and reactions but one thing's for sure: THAT I SHOULD BE GUARDING MY HEART for now. 

The fact that I'm getting mixed signals give me the right to question the legitimacy of his actions and words. Because I hate getting mixed signals. It's like "If you like, tell me, if you don't like me, don't act like you have feelings for me when you're just going to back down at the end of the day."

I'm way too old to be playing guessing games.

By making me confused and making me jealous of they way he interacts with other girls he may have or may not have feelings with, it only pushes me away to the point that I won't care anymore. Because when I get my heart set on someone, that's where it will stay. I'll always be loyal to you.

There are times when I don't understand you. You treat me as friends, then as something more than friends and then as if we're cool, like strangers.

And there we go again,

With your mixed signals and my overthinking.

Because it's YOU and Me and NEVER US.

We are a complicated series of ALMOST Interactions.

So to ease my questions and my mind and heart both aching for answers, I've read some article about this effin' thing and according to Sabrina Alexis, 

When a guy is sending confusing signals, it usually means he’s either ambivalent or maybe somewhat interested … but not interested enough. And in these cases, nothing you say or do will change that. You cannot convince someone to want you, and no amount of wanting him will make him want you back. If he was iffy about you from the start, then nothing you said or did caused the relationship to end … there just wasn’t enough there to begin with.

According to Rania Naim, "When he says he is not ready taking it to the next level but who knows what might happen in the future." 

What he means: He is either really not ready or he doesn’t think you are the one, when he says “who knows what might happen in the future,’ this is his way of trying not to completely break your heart so he gives you any sort of false hope. Either way don’t wait for him to be ready and just find a man who doesn’t send you any of those mixed signals.

......

To the one person out there, I know we're both not ready yet, so for now let's take most of our times and enjoy it to the infinite level. I know you have your own personal reasons for sending me mixed signals that ultimately confused my feelings but I also do believe in a very optimistic way that whatever reasons you may have, perhaps it's for our own good. We don't need to rush things, if it is really meant to be, it will be.

For now, let's stop all this daydreaming Zy, set aside your feelings, do not let your emotions get a hold of you, cause you're like waiting a boat in the airport, never gonna happen. It would only lead to getting your hopes high then get disappointed.

There will always be a time for everything, just wait for it. This may not be your "Happily Ever After" but for now, God is speaking to you to "LEARN THE ART OF WAITING" and good things will flow out of it.

Your heart is precious, it may have been broken and torn down a thousand times yet here u are, you've outgrown every heartbreaks in life so let me remind u this, GUARD YOUR HEART once more. Build higher walls if you need to and WAIT for that MAN who will treasure it.

All the love,
Self

I'm going to set these feelings free

December 19, 2017

So this me, writing again with the thoughts of how I could possibly get rid of all these feelings I have for someone I am infatuated with. 

It was that one sunny afternoon, you had your COMPA ANA class at the hallway where my feelings eventually flourished (well it’s actually way back before but I shoved those feelings away not until now). 

You were that “Perfect, Nice Guy” every girl is dreaming about. Your hair is black, your eyes, deep and dark and every time you smile, the world’s just seem to be bright and colorful. You always bring your bag with you, Jansport with a touch of white and blue. You love sneakers and denims, and oh you got braces too.

So much for physical description, you also have the inner qualities every girl’s daydreaming about. You love dogs, you even have two - lily and surfer, those two you always mention to me every time we talk and how they loved the treats I gave them. You’re God-fearing, gentleman, and such a nice guy. No wonder you have so many admirers. You were that popular to most girls.

Did it even occurred to you how amazing you are? How perfect and how cool you are? How you can easily make a girl’s heart flutter whenever you just smile at them? I guess you really had no idea how beautiful you are. You had beautiful eyes, the kind that you could get lost in, and I guess I did.

We had countless conversations every night when I got home from school, I always check my messenger to see if you dropped something on my chatbox or even a simple “Hi” but later I found out you were anonymously asking me in my ASK.FM account, well it took long for me to process how your feelings went well and how my feelings went well for you. We got these endless conversations talking about anything and I loved how comfortable it was talking to you, how I could just easily share with you how my day went well and how I’m bothered with our exams and etc. Talking to you just makes my day complete, wishing those moments won’t have to end. 

It makes my heart even happier when we talk in the hallways, sending smiles to each other, simple hi-fives and simple glancing. Things like, “you caught me staring and I caught you staring back”. I was just so happy that entire time, it was something I could not forget - the feelings that I had for you, I would cherish it for the rest of my life. It was a little crush that grew into something more - something magical.

You were the best part of my day, and you never even knew. I just wanted to be the best part of yours too. But I know it’s never going to happen, guess you’re right then, the mutual urge for comrades is still on blaze. You told me everything you felt for me and told you everything I felt for you. My feelings were so obvious back then & sometimes, you make me feel like I actually have a chance with you but when I try to take that chance, you make me realize, I never really did.   So the thing here is, our feelings were mutual but somehow confusing so you  draw the line between us. Direct and clear. 

So what I did was........ set these feelings free.

I admit I was hurt that time, my heart’s been really gloomy and cold. I couldn't even barely go to school because I’m afraid I would be seeing you in the hallways and I don’t know how to react anymore. Should I smile because we’re friends or should I cry because that’s all we’ll ever be?

Nothing’s certain for sure, all I know is how this process of healing and moving on would gave us the freedom and the happiness we deserve.

You were right and I couldn't argue with you. In fact I admire you for your bravery, not all guys could do something like that and I thank you for bringing up those things, it’s maturity after all. It’s you depending on God’s will - His good and perfect will.

That’s just the thing about infatuation right? You always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. I’m deeply sorry I fell hard for you. & even after all that had happened please know that you will always have a soft spot in my heart.

So thank you, thank you for giving me a plot twist before I end my 2017. Guess 2017 is definitely the year full of moving on and letting go. Thank you for all the lessons-learned, I’ll definitely learn from all of it and I’ll be looking forward the next year, hoping it would be the year full of adventures and not heartaches anymore. I am grateful enough because I’ve learned to never awaken feelings not meant for me and how I learned the art of letting go. Thank you because even for a short time, I was able to experience those feelings, the kind that you would feel butterflies in your stomach whenever you see/talk to someone special. Thank you for everything.

For now, I’m going to set these feelings free.

Aurevoir,

ZY

STRENGTH FOR THE WEAK HANDS 

“Strengthen the weak hands, And make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, “Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you.” Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, And the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.” Isaiah 35:3-5 NKJV

There are times when we just get run down. Our hands get tired from working, our joints start to ache from the journey, and our hearts lose hope that it is going to get better. When we get to that point we have to remember the words of Isaiah: “Be strong, do not fear!” The journey of life is difficult and fraught with challenges. We have to get our strength from the source that never runs out, Jesus. There will be battles in life and if we try to fight them on our own it will end badly. Instead we need to seek the Lord, keep walking, and wait for His work to be accomplished. When we are down He will come and save us.

Source: DAILY WALK DEVOTION

I Don’t Want To Date You… Just Yet 

To that one person out there…

I don’t want to date you if we are just driven with hormones and chemicals inside our bodies; instead I want to go out with you when both of us are sure that we are not controlled by just our emotions. We respect each other’s bodies by honoring it. We see each other beyond attraction alone.

I don’t want to date you when you’re not sure of yourself nor you’re not sure of us. Let’s bid goodbye to dating as something like trial and error. Let’s not see it as something that will decipher how sure we are of ourselves. Hence, let us first be saturated and secured on His love alone. Only in this way we’ll be able to say that we are certain of ourselves.

I don’t want to date you when you’re just after a heartbreak, because I want to give you that space to heal. I hope you’re giving yourself that kind of space too. I also hope that you will use that space to focus on God, on yourself, on your dreams, and on your family. So when the time comes that you’ll meet me, you already know that you are  complete.

I don’t want to date you if you’re not intentional, because being intentional means that you know your motive. And the motive behind dating and courtship is you see me as the person who’ll be with you and grow old with you.

I don’t want to date you if you think that your world should revolve around me, but I want to date you when you know that there is so much more to life. I want you to know that there’s so much beauty and wonder all around us. I hope you’ll see that soon enough.

I don’t want to date you if you still have dreams that will be compromised if you’re with me, instead I want you to use the time that you have now to explore, to try, to fail, and to learn.

I don’t want to date you when God is asking you to serve Him alone because I’m sure He’s asking you this for He is still pruning you and training you.

I don’t want to date you if I’ll just be getting your attention and focus away from God, but I want to date you when both of us will lead each other to Christ, and we love Him more than we love each other.

I don’t want to date you if you’re not yet ready to give up old (and bad) habits because true love also meant sacrifice. I believe that being in a relationship and being single are different responsibilities. In a relationship, you’ll not just think of yourself, but for the other person as well. So I wish you’ll be ready to give up selfish desires if you’ll be dating me.

I don’t want to date you if you think that I’ll change and fix you, nor will I complete you;I can’t and that’s not my job. God will do that for you. I want to date you because it meant to glorify God. The two of us will be persons who will go beyond  their egos. Two imperfect people who will strive to give a perfect love. And I do think that it will please God. So much.

I don’t want to date you just yet because I love you too much to grab this time that God has given you to become the person you are meant to be.

P.S. I don’t want to date a perfect guy and I know you’ll never be that.  No. I will date you because you’re man enough to pursue me and you’re godly enough to know that God is leading you to me. So please, let’s not be impatient. I know there are lonely and tiring nights. But I want to tell you that I exist, and God sees every little thing we do to honor Him. Let’s not give up on each other (even if we still don’t know each other yet). But I hope we strive to be as faithful as we can be. Just so you know, I believe in you. For that matter, for now, please wait.
DISCLAIMER
Credits: This is written by ESALANDICHO theloveadvocate.wordpress.com ❤❤
Owner of the photo: www.imagefully.com

SPECIAL NOTE WRITTEN BY ME: 
This speaks everything of what's inside my heart and is specially dedicated to the one and only person I am praying for. I am pruning on you and if you happen to read this, you know where to find me. I am praying that in God's perfect time we will meet each other and we are mature enough dealing our own emotions towards building our future with the LORD. Years from now, I hope to see you man enough to pursue me, to love me because you are not lonely anymore but because you are ready. Have courage and please do not give up on me. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. TRUE LOVE WAITS.


LOVE,
ZY.